How to Let Go of Fear

Let go of fear.

I was devastated after 8 years of a relationship he walked out the door. Suddenly I found myself living a nightmare awake. Fear popped its nasty face towards me and blew a gust of terror upon my soul. I truly became the woman after the breakup you see in the movies. I made my home on the couch sobbing endless tears for days.(I thank God no one was watching me) Many reached out to comfort me and explain life goes on, but caught in a crashing wave of closure I was not ready to let go.

On the fourth day I received a piece of advice that I considered to heal my broken heart. I was certain it would not completely dissolve the pain I was feeling but felt perhaps it wouldn’t hurt.

I began to write a list of my fears beginning with the words “I am afraid” I came up with a list of 8 fears and the one fear that completed my list was

I am afraid of being afraid.

Each fear I wrote down I felt deeply connected to but the last one seemed to sum it all up. In a mixture of emotions even the expression of emotion was frightening. I grew up in a home where emotions were not welcomed and lived most of my life feeling the need to hold life together and remain as solid as a rock. I always knew I was no more than a tiny pebble on the shores of life tossed about.

I rummaged through our junk drawer in search of a balloon. I found bunch tucked in the back corner under a pile of crayons and pencils. I choose a white balloon and all the while my tears continued. It was not easy to fold the paper that I had written my fears on small enough to stick inside the balloon but finally I succeeded. I tied it with a red ribbon and made my way out to our backyard through knee deep snow.

It’s not easy to let go of anything in life.(Relationships, jobs, friends, expectations or failed ideas.) Often we hold onto something that isn’t working because we fear that letting go means emptiness.

How shall we receive blessings while our hearts are filled with pain?

I lifted my hand up holding onto that balloon and whispered “I let go”. A gust of wind helped my fingers open and the balloon took of drifting across the yard. I watched and it wasn’t until that balloon containing the paper with my fears disappeared around the neighbors’ house and out of site I began to sob. It was gone. I made my way back into the house, closed the door and curled upon the floor. I felt a sense of deep release.

This moment of my life taught me the truest blessing that comes from letting go of sorrow is it begins to go away. I am certain I have not become completely fearless but I have let go of a white balloon full that contained my fear of being afraid. My fingers unclenched for the first time in a very long time. This very action reminded me in a small but massive way how to let go.

I am open to receive blessings and know wherever that balloon journeys to in life it will not return to me. I didn’t sign my name.